Mentor and Ward
by Loopstagirl
Summary: Gaius had always been there to offer him advice throughout his years in Camelot. Why should this time be any different? Spoilers for 5x12


**Disclaimer: I own nothing, all rights belong to their respective owners.**

**So, here we are, episode 12. Only one more to go after this one. Enjoy!**

"Forbearn."

"_Forbearn!"_

"_Forbearn!"_ Merlin rose from his seat, kicking out at the pile of logs that he had so painstakingly arranged in the fireplace. There was nothing, not the slightest hint of magic. He had never noticed before what it felt like to have that power bubbling away inside him, but now that it was gone, he had no idea how ordinary people managed. Gone was the spark that seemed to just give him this constant glow of energy, regardless of how hard he had been working. Gone was the feeling that nothing was too great because he had a friend on his side, ever ready to help him. Merlin had always thought of his magic as an extension to himself, and now that it was gone, he did feel like he was grieving for a close friend.

His hands rubbed up and down his arms as he shivered, walking over to the window and resting his palms against the cool stone work. Leaning forward, he let his head hang, trying to regain some sense of control before he screamed. It wasn't just the room that was cold, it was as if his very soul was shivering, crying out for something that was no longer there. Merlin had never felt so hollow: magic had been part of his life for longer than he could remember, to have it just go like this…

Cursing, Merlin gave up the pretence and let his body rock forward, pressing his forehead to the wall and breathing heavily, ignoring the way that tears were stinging at the corners of his eyes. He didn't see the point of trying to control himself, it wasn't as if anything could happen if he let go. For the first time ever, he could be as emotional as he wanted and there would be no drastic consequences for him. He knew that he should almost be feeling free, not needing to watch what he did or said in order to make sure that his gifts remained hidden.

Yet Merlin couldn't.

He had planned for the day when freedom came to him. And when it did, it involved him having his magic, and Arthur not only knowing about it, but accepting him. This wasn't freedom, it was a prison. He was trapped, trapped knowing that the fate of his destiny was hanging in the balance now more than ever and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. He would call Kilgharrah if he could, but he wasn't sure that would work either. Was his Dragonlord powers connected with his magic? Did he have any spark of power left or was he just a nobody, just as Arthur had mocked for all of these years?

Arthur.

Thinking about the king made Merlin grit his teeth as the burning sensation pricking at his eyes threatened to overwhelm him. Arthur thought that he was a coward. He thought that Merlin was running away when his king needed him the most. Merlin _felt_ as if he was running away, he should stay by Arthur's side, no matter what. But what good would it do? He couldn't protect the monarch if he had no powers, only watch him die. That was not something that Merlin was going to allow to happen, he would not let Morgana win. Especially not in this way, with underhand trickery to render her opponent defenceless.

Merlin sighed, feeling nothing but sorrow towards Mordred now. It was too late to feel angry, there wasn't anything he could do to stop destiny taking its course. But what pained him the most was that he almost knew how the young sorcerer was feeling. After all, he had been prepared to leave everything behind in order to run away with Freya so many years ago. The only reason he hadn't been angry at Arthur for killing her was that she had been a threat. Not just through her words, but through her actions, regardless of the fact that it was through no choice of her own. But Kara had goaded and pushed Arthur until her execution was absolute, and Mordred had still been unable to seen past the good in her. Merlin thought that it would have been some act of hatred that finally turned Mordred away from his new path, but he couldn't have been more wrong. It had been love. It seemed that the young man had been right all along: the love that bound them was stronger. But his love for Kara had been stronger yet, and it had been that which had made him run to Morgana, had made him reveal everything that he knew about Merlin.

Hearing the door open, Merlin twisted his head quickly to the side. On seeing that it was Gaius, he sighed, pushing himself away from the wall, folding his arms across his chest and leaning back on it. For just a split second, he had been unable to deny the spark of hope igniting in his chest that it had been Arthur. Would the king really ride out to a war that he couldn't win with believing that his servant was a coward? Merlin shook his head softly as Gaius moved across the room, bending down and picking up the flints. Of course he would, for Arthur would never know that anything was wrong with his friend. Not until Merlin was far away from here and he perhaps began to question precisely why the servant wasn't at his side.

"I've packed your bag." Merlin muttered, his voice hoarse and catching in his throat. Gaius didn't answer for a moment, too busy trying to get the fire to light. Merlin pushed away from the wall again, holding out his hand for the flint.

"Here." Gaius surrendered them over, moving backwards until he could sit on the same stool that Merlin had been on just moments before. Merlin crouched down, rearranged some of the damage he had caused and strongly struck the flints against each other. There was a spark and a thin spiral of smoke, but nothing more as the wood refused to catch. It didn't matter how many times Merlin tried, he couldn't get the fire to light.

Eventually yelling a curse, he threw the flints to one side and fell backwards until he was sitting on the floor. His hands were trembling and, unnoticed, tears of frustration were spilling from his eyes. He had been able to light fires since he knew the danger of them. He wondered if his mother would be glad that he could no longer accidentally set the whole pile of wood alight just because he was a little chilly. Rubbing his hand over his eyes, Merlin jumped when a wave of warmth hit him and Gaius sat back again. Glancing into the fire, he huffed slightly at seeing an old piece of parchment steadily beginning to catch the logs alight.

"There is always a way, Merlin."

"Lighting the paper on a candle and throwing it in is cheating."

"Sometimes cheating is what is needed to get us through the darkest times. The fire is still lit, does it matter how?" Merlin let his hand fall from his face, staring up at his mentor. Gaius had been with him through every stage of his magic over the years. Even his latest developments – being able to see the path ahead and new tricks like that – had been shared and explored with the physician. Gaius had been particularly excited about that one considering how much easier it was going to make collecting herbs. It had left Merlin feeling incredulous and slightly bemused that was the only use of that power that Gaius had been able to think of, but now it just made him smile fondly. He knew that there would be no more talks like that, no more of the physician trying to help him master what his magic was throwing at him now.

Yet even now, with the lack of magic being the issue rather than an unsettled power, he was still there, still managing to offer Merlin the comfort that no one else could.

"But what if the fire cannot be lit? What if it has been put out completely?"

"Then darkness will fall and coldness will spread. But no fire can be extinguished without the hope of relighting."

"Gaius…" Merlin felt his voice break as he stared up at the old man. He swallowed hard, not knowing what to say.

"I know, my boy, I know." A gnarled hand came to rest on Merlin's shoulder and he felt the tears falling faster.

"How can she do this? How could she have found a way of taking my magic? I've never felt so empty, so much like I've been torn in half. I can't even light a fire, I'm useless without it. And Arthur… Arthur hates me, he thinks I'm a coward. Maybe I am…"

"Merlin, stop." The warlock broke off, swallowing his words and staring up at Gaius wildly. He knew that he must look as much of a mess as he was feeling, hair tousled from the amount of times he had run his fingers through it, eyes bloodshot from the lack of sleep and tear tracks running down his face.

"I'm nothing without magic."

"That is not true."

"But…"

"Now you listen to me, young man. You are still a gifted and talented man, even without your magic. You have skills that most can only dream of, not only your ability to serve with unwavering loyalty and dedication, but how far you have come as a physician as well. You have weathered through some of the toughest times anyone can imagine and always come through, and you have never once shied away from a destiny that would have most men running for cover. Don't start now, Merlin."

"But there is nothing I can do." The warlock climbed to his feet, beginning to pace the room before he realised what he was doing. Gaius sat back, but for once just let his ward vent all the emotions that had been steadily building throughout the day. He had heard about what had happened between the servant and the king, and knew that hatred was the furthest thing on Arthur's mind. Now he just had to get Merlin to see that, get the warlock to realise that he still had something fighting for. Not just his destiny, but his friendship as well. This wasn't over.

"Yes, there is. You can go to the caves tomorrow morning with Gwaine and get your magic back."

"But what if it doesn't work?"

"Then I have no doubt you will come to the battlefield anyway and do what you can in order to aid your king." Gaius didn't mention what he knew was going through the warlock's head. Merlin no doubt that if he didn't get his magic back, then there would be no king left alive for him to come to aid.

"Arthur wouldn't want me there."

"If you really believe that, then you are as much as a fool as he has already told you."

"You didn't see the look on his face when I said I wasn't going, Gaius. He looked at me with such…"

"Disappointment." Merlin stopped mid-pace, turning to face his mentor. Gaius could tell by Merlin's expression that was not an emotion that he had associated with Arthur when the king had found out.

"Why would he be disappointed?"

"Maybe because his best friend wasn't going to be by his side in the battle he didn't think he could win. Merlin, you know you are not just Arthur's servant, I thought after all of these years you would understand that. He cares for you, and would no doubt have just assumed that you would be there like always. More often than not in the past when he has given you a choice or sent you back, you've stayed by his side. He doesn't know this time is any different. He's scared."

"Arthur doesn't get scared." Merlin muttered, flinging himself onto the stool next to the physician and leaning his elbows on the table as he allowed his hands to cushion his head.

"Now we both know that isn't true." Gaius' hand reached across and squeezed Merlin's arm. "I also know that you are scared."

Merlin looked around, biting his lip as more tears threatened to fall.

"I don't think I've ever been this scared, Gaius. After all of these years protecting him, this is the moment that it has been building up to. And what can I do about it? What can I do to stop this from all coming true?"

"What you normally do."

"Which is?"

"Defy the odds to make sure that you give yourself a fighting chance. You've never failed before, Merlin, don't give up hope. It can always be found, no matter how dark it gets."

"Enough with the flame analogies, Gaius, please." The heat and desperation had gone from Merlin's voice and he found that he was leaning into Gaius' touch. The old man was the only one who would ever understand what he was going through right now.

"If I don't make it to the battlefield…"

"Merlin…"

"No, hear me out, Gaius, please. If I don't make it, and something has gone wrong. Even if he…Gaius, promise me that Arthur will know the truth before he dies?"

"He is not going to die."

"Promise me." There was a sense of urgency in Merlin's voice now and he reversed their positions, gripping Gaius' arm. The old man sighed, but nodded.

"I promise the King will know precisely who has been by his side. But, Merlin… I know your time keeping is abysmal, but I'm relying on you turning up in order to tell him yourself."

"Yeah… yeah, I'll try." Merlin nodded, suddenly feeling like he was ready. There was nothing more he could do tonight, Gwaine had flatly refused to leave until dawn. He couldn't go to Arthur, he couldn't be with his friends, not whilst he was still this emotional over the loss of his magic. Instead, he found himself looking around Gaius' chambers, a small smile on his face. Even if this was the last time he stayed here, it had given him a home beyond his dreams.

"What are you going to do?"

"I think… I think I'm going to go for a walk." Merlin murmured softly, trying to work out how he was feeling. Gaius' promise had offered him some sort of acceptance over what was happening. He couldn't change the fact that it was happening, but Gaius was right. He still had time to change the outcome, he still had time to offer one last fight.

"Where will you go?"

"The lake. I need to get away from Camelot, maybe I'll go to the lake. It's peaceful there, I still know who I am there." Gaius nodded, climbing to his feet and wordlessly handing Merlin's his jacket. The warlock smiled, pulling it on and surprising them both by giving the old man a fierce and tight hug.

"Thank you, Gaius." He whispered softly, pulling away and heading towards the door before Gaius had the chance to respond. Just as he made to disappear out of it, the physician's voice called him back.

"I'll leave some supper out for you."

Merlin grinned, his eyes watering. It was Gaius' attempt to make this night as normal as possible for them both, despite the fact that it was anything but.

"That will be good, thanks." Pulling the door shut, he pulled his jacket closer around him and let his feet carry him through the well-known corridors. Unable to stop himself, his hand drifted over the walls as he walked, feeling as if he was saying goodbye.

No matter what happened next, Camelot will always be his home.


End file.
